Best Friends Forever: A Miserable Tribute
11 years ago, I had a best friend in kindergarten. Her name was Su-Ann. We sat together, talked non-stop (my teacher said I talked too much, which is a weird irony to the way I am now) and she copied all my answers for a Math test, ending up getting all the subtractions wrong. But we moved on to primary school and never spoke ever again.
To a 7-year-old me, that loss is not feared because the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind always burns bright the idealistic belief that we will meet again. Someday, we will climb the monkey bars again and sit in the dark caterpillar swing again pretending it has eaten us. But we grew up and my best friend was forgotten and all memories of her was left in a dusty corner, like the plastic ‘diamond’ she gave me.
It’s pathetic that I never had a best friend in primary school. I was very close to Keane in Standard 1, Kam Loong in Standard 2 and Adeline in Standard 3-4 and many other people but we grew apart eventually.
Anyway, fast forward 7 years later. At 13, I had a guy best friend who is two years older than me. We were very close and he called me every single night for hours to talk about everything. At that point, it seemed like nothing could ever go wrong.
But something did go wrong. We were young and stupid and in love. At least, I was, I can’t speak on his behalf. It was a beautiful wonderful birds-chirping-all-day-long thing at first. Too bad things changed, we started fighting a lot because of some things that had happened.
When the relationship ended, I think he even hated me and refused to talk to me at all. He called me a few times after that but I told him not to because it had a negative impact on my life and never spoke to him ever since. It had hurt me so much when we broke up that I was depressed for about 2 years. I made my world revolve around him and when it all ended, I had lost my boyfriend, my best friend, my everything. But it’s all good, I’m not going down that easily!!!
In that same year when I was 13, I also met two other girls who stood by me when things were bad. Initially, we were still trying to fit in and find our place in the crowd. Despite the drama you get when you put a group of girls together, we were close. But the friendship got into a decline with one of them and things were never the same again. Sometimes, when I’m in Amcorp Mall or when I’m walking in the rain with something over my head, I think of her and miss those things.
With the other girl friend, we still talk. Like once in a millenium. But everytime we talk, I walk away or hang up the phone with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The kind you feel when you know that you have no power over something at all no matter how much you would like it to change. It hit me how far we really grew apart when I didn’t tell her about my painful break up until about a month later. I want it to change but I don’t know how so I just stand back and watch our friendship fizzle away.
The latest in my award-winning friendship drama is a guy I’ve known for about 7 years now. He had always been my best friend…up till recently I guess. Like someone who walks around blindfolded and banging into walls, I got involved in a relationship with him. I should have learnt my lesson from the first time that I would eventually lose everything.
But I guess the stolen conversations before bed, the text messages in the middle of the night and the laughter…so much happiness…it made me careless. Anyway, let’s not dwell on depressing details. People change and feelings change. And the relationship ended after a year and about 2 months. So did the friendship, I guess. It’s nobody’s fault because we were both wrong and right at the same time.
If I had known that I would lose my best friend just like that, I would never have wanted the relationship. Of all the best friends I lost, this one hurts the most. Maybe the wound is still fresh but I think it’s mostly because he is the person who most had an impact on my life. He made me who I am today (I’m not revealing his identity, in case anyone wants to kill him for that).
We haven’t talked properly for a long time. About a month now. I would like to fix this but I don’t know how either. I guess that’s the worst thing. Knowing there’s a problem but not knowing the solution. I miss how he made me feel. I miss having someone to talk to all the time. I miss Coke and Paige. I miss my bestie. I miss the dolphin and the baby panda and the pogo stick at my wedding. But most of all, I miss him.
I miss every best friend I’ve loved and lost. It’s part of growing up, this whole losing people thing. I guess I’ll pick myself up and move on, what else am I going to do about it right? I would forget many things as I grow older and more drama occupies my mind. But sometimes, I will suddenly remember the plastic ‘diamond’, Big Bird, a sister I never had, the chipmunky and kangaroo, my daisyboy. And I’ll remember that life may not be such a bitch after all…
PS - If the people I mentioned are reading this, you probably know who you are. Things have changed so much but I love you and hope I won’t forget you. Cheers, babes!
