-Misery Loves Company-

Current music: Beautiful Girl (Taking Back Sunday)

Current mood : Indifferent

      So the other day I read an article in The Star newspaper about how beautiful people have an advantage over the not-so-beautiful. Although the article tried to balance both sides of the arguments and convince us that it’s the inside that matters, I beg to differ.

      Being beautiful is undoubtedly a major advantage. Kick and scream and bite from the injustice of it all if you want but it’s the cold hard truth. If you are beautiful, you are immediately on a higher level of the human social hierarchy. Sure, if you are smart, funny and easy-going, then you’ve pretty much got the world in your slim hands with tapered fingers and manicured nails. But even if you are a class-A bitch, people aren’t surprised. The common mentality is: you’re beautiful so you have a right to be a snob.

     When you’re beautiful, doors open for you that slam shut in other people’s faces. You can be a model/beauty-queen/host/actress/singer/dancer or an aeronautical engineer if you want and try hard enough. If you are not beautiful, then no matter how hard you try, it would be very difficult to do something you want to. Say, you’re deemed not attractive enough to be a model. Your choice is limited when you’re not beautiful. Thirst for knowledge can be cultivated but beauty is something you’re born with.

     If you are born unattractive, there’s little you can do to be beautiful. Plastic surgery is an option but that’s drastic and you’ll end up looking…well, plastic. Natural beauty doesn’t come across as fake and people who are naturally beautiful do not exude the desperation that used-to-be-ugly-until-doctor-nip-and-tuck-came-along people do.

      Ask anyone whether they’d rather be ugly or beautiful. If anyone said they’d rather be ugly, either they are trying to be funny or they are so convinced that their beauty is to blame for every single depressing self-absorbed problem they have had. When you’re beautiful, people notice you and pay more attention to what you have to say. Your ideas carry more weight than a girl who weighs twice as much.

      That being said, I want to clarify that this is my opinion: Beauty really is an advantage, no matter how much anyone tries to deny it. But if there is no personality to complement your beauty then when your looks fade, so will everything else. Also, beauty takes hard work most of the time. If you’re scoffing and thinking, "Hah, I’m beautiful but I don’t exercise and I don’t diet and I wash my face with soap and water", then congratulations, you’re one of the few lucky ones. Maybe 20 years down the line, your sagging skin and posterior will wake you up to the fact that beauty doesn’t last a lifetime.

      To the naturally unbeautiful, all hope is not lost. Most beautiful people are born with it. Don’t blame your parents, don’t blame God and don’t cry yourself to sleep. You can work at it. I don’t guarantee that slaving at the gym for 50 hours a week will make you more beautiful than a girl who eats all day long but has always remained a lithe pretty thing. But you will feel much better about yourself for trying. Look at it this way, you will never be the most beautiful person on earth because there will always be someone younger and prettier but you want to look your best right?

      Maybe it’s easier for beautiful people because they ooze confidence from every pore. It’s easier for them to be portrayed as fun and outgoing. But I think the core of the problem is not about other people not loving you. It’s about you not loving yourself. I know many outgoing people who aren’t good-looking. Yet, they are very attractive because people are drawn to their auras.

        So I guess what I’m trying to say is, yes, it’s unfair that beautiful people have an advantage. But I’m sure they have problems just like everyone else. I admit that people are generally more attracted to beautiful people. However, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Being beautiful will not change your life much. Being happy with yourself will.

     Well, SPM is starting on November 14th…OH MY GOD!!! I am absolutely unbelievably totally dead. Anyway, that is obviously the first miserable event.

     The second miserable event has made me pretty pissed. My ‘beautiful’ school has forced us, the ‘puteri-puteri’(princesses) to donate our shares worth RM7.19. To be honest, I couldn’t care less about that miserably small amount of money. But it’s the way the teachers chose to do it that made me mad. If they had asked nicely, I’m sure everyone would be happy to sign it over as a donation to the school. After 5 years in the school, RM7.19 is not much to ask for in return.

      However, the teachers told us it was compulsory to ‘donate’. Like a friend of mine said, that’s not a ‘derma’(donation), that’s a ‘rampasan’(erm…the direct translation is something that is snatched but you get the drift). I agree with my friend! The very essence of a donation, the very thing that brings meaning to it, is the genuine intention. Forcing people to donate? How low can you go?

       A teacher really crossed the line, in my opinion. She started scolding some classes and some students who refused to donate. Personally, I think the students only refused on principle because we want to feel good doing it, not like we are in a Nazi boot camp. But anyway she read some of their names out in front of the whole form. My face burned in humiliation for them even though she didn’t call my name.

     And she said they don’t deserve anything because they refuse to contribute anything. Then she said things like how much the school has done for us, etc. Come on, we pay for EVERYTHING. Even our choir uniforms, which we were also forced to donate by threats of with-holding our certificates. Some other schools pay for everything to encourage their students to participate. Sometimes, it’s not that we are cheap and ‘kiasu’ but just that the way it’s done is just so tactless and insulting.

      To be clear on where I stand on this matter, I DON’T mind contributing to the school at all. But if we’re going to be forced into it and insulted if we don’t give in to the threats, then teachers, you should really rethink your career suitability. I’m pretty sure the gangsters, terrorists and mafia are seeking talents like you.

     11 years ago, I had a best friend in kindergarten. Her name was Su-Ann. We sat together, talked non-stop (my teacher said I talked too much, which is a weird irony to the way I am now) and she copied all my answers for a Math test, ending up getting all the subtractions wrong. But we moved on to primary school and never spoke ever again.

     To a 7-year-old me, that loss is not feared because the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind always burns bright the idealistic belief that we will meet again. Someday, we will climb the monkey bars again and sit in the dark caterpillar swing again pretending it has eaten us. But we grew up and my best friend was forgotten and all memories of her was left in a dusty corner, like the plastic ‘diamond’ she gave me.

     It’s pathetic that I never had a best friend in primary school. I was very close to Keane in Standard 1, Kam Loong in Standard 2 and Adeline in Standard 3-4 and many other people but we grew apart eventually.

     Anyway, fast forward 7 years later. At 13, I had a guy best friend who is two years older than me. We were very close and he called me every single night for hours to talk about everything. At that point, it seemed like nothing could ever go wrong.

     But something did go wrong. We were young and stupid and in love. At least, I was, I can’t speak on his behalf. It was a beautiful wonderful birds-chirping-all-day-long thing at first. Too bad things changed, we started fighting a lot because of some things that had happened.

      When the relationship ended, I think he even hated me and refused to talk to me at all. He called me a few times after that but I told him not to because it had a negative impact on my life and never spoke to him ever since. It had hurt me so much when we broke up that I was depressed for about 2 years. I made my world revolve around him and when it all ended, I had lost my boyfriend, my best friend, my everything. But it’s all good, I’m not going down that easily!!!

     In that same year when I was 13, I also met two other girls who stood by me when things were bad. Initially, we were still trying to fit in and find our place in the crowd. Despite the drama you get when you put a group of girls together, we were close. But the friendship got into a decline with one of them and things were never the same again. Sometimes, when I’m in Amcorp Mall or when I’m walking in the rain with something over my head, I think of her and miss those things.

     With the other girl friend, we still talk. Like once in a millenium. But everytime we talk, I walk away or hang up the phone with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The kind you feel when you know that you have no power over something at all no matter how much you would like it to change. It hit me how far we really grew apart when I didn’t tell her about my painful break up until about a month later. I want it to change but I don’t know how so I just stand back and watch our friendship fizzle away.

     The latest in my award-winning friendship drama is a guy I’ve known for about 7 years now. He had always been my best friend…up till recently I guess. Like someone who walks around blindfolded and banging into walls,  I got involved in a relationship with him. I should have learnt my lesson from the first time that I would eventually lose everything.

     But I guess the stolen conversations before bed, the text messages in the middle of the night and the laughter…so much happiness…it made me careless. Anyway, let’s not dwell on depressing details. People change and feelings change. And the relationship ended after a year and about 2 months. So did the friendship, I guess. It’s nobody’s fault because we were both wrong and right at the same time.

     If I had known that I would lose my best friend just like that, I would never have wanted the relationship. Of all the best friends I lost, this one hurts the most. Maybe the wound is still fresh but I think it’s mostly because he is the person who most had an impact on my life. He made me who I am today (I’m not revealing his identity, in case anyone wants to kill him for that).

     We haven’t talked properly for a long time. About a month now. I would like to fix this but I don’t know how either. I guess that’s the worst thing. Knowing there’s a problem but not knowing the solution. I miss how he made me feel. I miss having someone to talk to all the time. I miss Coke and Paige. I miss my bestie. I miss the dolphin and the baby panda and the pogo stick at my wedding. But most of all, I miss him.

     I miss every best friend I’ve loved and lost. It’s part of growing up, this whole losing people thing. I guess I’ll pick myself up and move on, what else am I going to do about it right? I would forget many things as I grow older and more drama occupies my mind. But sometimes, I will suddenly remember the plastic ‘diamond’, Big Bird, a sister I never had, the chipmunky and kangaroo, my daisyboy. And I’ll remember that life may not be such a bitch after all…

PS - If the people I mentioned are reading this, you probably know who you are. Things have changed so much but I love you and hope I won’t forget you. Cheers, babes!

     The question of what women want has often been debated. And this may come as no surprise but there is no answer. Sometimes, women don’t even know what they want until they find it.

     It’s especially worse for me because I change my mind at the same rate an American regrets voting for Bush. But oh well, I thought it would be fun to list down who/what I’m looking for (at this point). Here goes:

1) He has to make me laugh      

This is a no-brainer. If a guy can’t make me laugh, then there is no way I would even consider him. I like laughing. I like people who don’t take themselves too seriously. I can’t stand people who raises their eyebrow sarcastically and call you juvenile if you are silly sometimes. And with life the way it is, don’t we all need someone fun? Class clown or rebel without a cause? Hand Bozo over to me anyday!

2) He has to be sensitive and supportive

Bad boys are fun for awhile but honestly if you’ve just lost your job, your mum just called to remind you how everyone’s married with kids and some joker drove over a puddle and splashed mud all over your brand new dress, who do you want to go home to? A guy who turns up the volume of the TV over your voice and says, "Stop complaining"? Or a guy who gives you a hug and tells you everything’s going to be okay because you both are together now?

3) He has to love me enough to tell me when I’m wrong

I want a guy who is secure enough and strong enough to tell me when I’ve made a mistake. That would make me a better person. Sure I love to be pampered like the next girl but not to the extend where I’m wrapped up in my own world and harm others. A great relationship makes you stronger and changes you for the better. But he also has to admit his own mistakes and say sorry when he’s wrong.

4) He has to be my buddy first

It’s important to me that a guy has to be my friend first. People are more truthful and genuine when they are friends whereas most put on an act in a relationship. I want to be able to tell my special someone everything and not hold back from sharing secrets, jokes, sillyness and dreams. If I’m not comfortable enough to call you bum or tell you one of my favourite phrases is ‘f*ck a duck’, then you’re probably not for me.

5) He has to refrain from telling fart jokes

Despite 17 years of being alive, I have yet to stop finding poop and burps and farts gross. I doubt I would be able to handle it if say, a date jumps up from the dinner table and starts performing an armpit solo rendition of BSB’s ‘All I Have to Give’. Trust me, I would start a physical rendition of ‘Sucker Punch’ by Bowling for Soup.

6) He doesn’t have to like all the things I like

Haha, I’m not looking for a clone. My guy doesn’t have to like reading or writing or scents or reading shampoo bottle labels. He should have his own personality. But I would love it if he loves the kind of music I do. Would I be able to handle listening to rap and country all day long? Maybe not. Also, he has to like animals. It doesn’t matter whether he likes puppies like I do or snakes and tigers, as long as he likes animals.

7) He has to be a one-woman man

I’ve seen how cheating and polygamy destroys lives. It’s not fair to anyone and so sad too. Maybe in an unserious relationship, it’s okay to decide on an open policy. But if you get to the serious stage, then I think it’s quite stupid. Too many people use sex as an excuse. But to me, it’s an excuse to sleep with young good looking people who would never want to be commited to you and go home to you aging spouse with security. It’s a case of having your cake and eating it too. Well, boo hoo, love doesn’t work that way in my world.

He has to surprise me all the time

Sometimes, just when you think you know someone inside out, they suddenly do the sweetest things to surprise you. It doesn’t have to be an expensive present. It might be just something you say or something you do. Even the smallest things make the biggest differences sometimes. Like if someone stays up late just to talk to you. These things mean the world to me.

9) He has to be adventurous and versatile

Skydiving? Killer roller-coaster? Swimming with baby dolphins? Horseback-riding? He’s game. But he doesn’t limit himself. He will bring me to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate. But he will have as much fun watching football on TV or playing PS games at home with me with a pizza and beer. He will try to sneak backstage with me at a Dishwalla concert AND laugh when the 6′ 7 " security guy grabs him by the collar and throws him out. That’s the guy I know I’m going to remember forever, even if things don’t work out.

10) Above everything, everything, my perfect man has to love me very deeply

He has to love it when I smile, when I laugh. I want a guy who smiles to himself when he watches me smile. He has to love how I make him laugh. He has to care about me and know that I care about him. He has to protect me from the world and not let anything happen to me within his control. He wants to come home to me and go to bed at night, knowing that I’m right next to him and tomorrow will be okay afterall, even though the roof may be leaking and the mortgage may be out of control. And when he closes his eyes, he knows he loves me and I love him.

*sigh* Where are you? Where are you? Lol. I have better luck taking over Bill Gates at Microsoft even with my technological-retardedness than being with my perfect man. Haha, at this point, there’s not much of a consolation. But I guess I’ll settle for the fact that being lonely is better than being heartbroken. At least, I hope it’s a fact…

     The world is still trying to cope with the aftermath of the tsunami. Then, Hurricane Katrina, Ophelia and Rita striked. And now, the monster earthquake. So many natural disasters within such a short spate of time. It makes me wonder if these are signs for us to stop thinking we are invincible.

     It doesn’t take much to wipe our entire population out. So maybe it’s time for us to worry that the end of the world will happen during our lifetime. Now, look, I’m not some religious extremist trying to scare everyone into seeking salvation before it’s too late. But my observations tell me we are self-destructing. Too arrogant for our own good, sometimes.

     If we continue with our ignorant ways, I can’t possibly see a way we can survive past the millenium. If bird flu doesn’t kill us, maybe a nuclear war will. Maybe cancer. Maybe AIDS. Maybe our eating habits. Maybe our habit of sitting on our bums all day and not exercising.

     It’s time to do something, people, whether you like it or not. Otherwise, be prepared for what’s coming next. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to die before I wake. =)

He rushed out the door,
Delayed for the day,
No time for a kiss,
Before driving away.

Ignorant of life,
And Her plan for his fate,
All he had on his mind,
Was not being late.

Eying his watch,
Not the oncoming car,
Shattered the windshields,
And flung him out far.

In a pool of his blood,
He waits for his death,
Life flashing before him,
His last moments left.

He thought that with money,
Everything he could buy,
Yet even with money,
The time came to die.

He regretted forgetting,
Her last six birthdays,
He regretted late nights,
And days slaving away.

He regretted taking,
His whole life for granted,
As if it were his,
To spend when he wanted.

He regretted not saying,
"I really love you,"
Now it’s too late,
Nothing else he could do.

He wished to return,
To an hour ago,
He wished he had kissed her,
Just so she’d know.

He closed his eyes,
This man, husband, dad,
Regret in his final breath,
One last kiss he never had.

(Note: I wrote this some time ago and it brings personal meaning to me because I’ve taken many things for granted and only realized my mistake only after I lose them forever. Don’t be too harsh on me, I’m not some poetic genius)

      For the uninitiated, Wonderfalls is a tv series showing on Starworld (channel 70) Astro on Mondays from 10pm to 11pm. It basically revolves around Jaye Tyler(Caroline Dhavernas), who works at a souveneir shop in Niagra Falls. In a weird twist of fate, she suddenly receives instructions from inanimate objects. Although skeptical, she follows their instructions and ends up helping many people (who in my opinion, mostly don’t deserve it).

      Anyway, what makes this show work is the brilliant dialogue. Sarcastic, witty and brilliant, it is also not over-dramatic like in Tru Calling or trying-too-hard like in Becker. Apart from that, the ultra-attractive cast also make it worth my time (namely Tyron Leitso, who plays Eric, Jaye’s love interest).

      However, I find the plot quite weak and predictable sometimes. When you can see what’s coming then the fun is lost. Not only that, the characters seem pretty one-dimensional. Jaye is emotionless most of the time, Eric is puppy sweet, Mahandra (Jaye’s best friend, played by Tracie Thorns) is straightforward. Jaye’s brother Aaron is the one character I find outstanding.

     That said, I still think it is a cute series with the unique style. Too bad Fox only aired 4 episodes of the first season in America because of poor audience response. The rest are available on DVD. Check it out, yeah?

I love music. I know that is such an over-used phrase and ultra-cliche. But I do and it’s not like I can help it. Here are some songs worth a listen, some old, some new, all wicked: (Be warned though, my taste in music is not for everyone)

1) Radiohead - Creep

2) Modest Mouse - Tiny Cities Made of Ashes

3) The Used - Yesterday’s Feelings

4) Death Cab for Cutie - Soul Meets Body

5) Dido - Isobel

6) Padi - Menanti Sebuah Jawaban (it’s Indonesian but don’t diss what you don’t know. this one’s really good)

7) Phantom Planet - Lonely Day

The Wallfowers - Breakfast at Tiffany’s

9) Saliva - Rest In Pieces

10) KT Tunstall - Other Side of the World

These are just some of the songs I listen to. I would love it if you recommend some good songs to me too.(Note from Steph: sharing is caring) Anyway, more next time. Cheers.

     For someone who has the gift of the gab (or at least gabs a lot), I have taken a surprisingly long time before jumping on the blogging bandwagon. I was pretty skeptical because I’m the sort of person who starts off all excited about something then soon, the enthusiasm wanes and I’m left the way I started out: bored out of my skull.

     Now, I’m a self-confessed technologically-challenged retard(or the politically-correct term ’special’). So, my apologies if my blog is not as fancy or oh-my-god! as others. I will not lie, most of what I say will be crap that bounces off my brain by the nano-milisecond. If you like it, I love you! If you hate it, sod off!

     Anyway, let me start off by trashing the Malaysian Education System. I hate it, don’t even doubt me on this one. For my fellow Form 5s, doesn’t it hurt to watch the Form 3 stupidos gloating over their post-PMR parties? If you don’t know what that feels like, you can rent my brother for a day. In fact, forget rent, I’ll pay you to take him for a day!

     Not only is our SPM a month away, we will have to grow up and shake our immature booties in ‘The Real World’ immediately after that. Talk about inconsiderate Education Officers. So, what are we going to do? Scholarships, colleges, work,what? WHAT?!

     Don’t get me wrong, I love new experiences and college sounds great. But it is a reality check that I’m not going to be young forever (that includes YOU too!) and that freaks me out because I don’t want to be caught in the rat race that’s making so many people unhappy. What next after college and university? Work right? What next? Marriage? Kids? And then what? You work and work and feed the kids and watch tv and whine and grunt and then you die. Where’s the fun in that?

     You know what I’d love to do? Right after SPM, I want to take a year or two off. Travel the world. Go to Africa and work with children. Swim with dolphins. Go skydiving. Bungee-jumping. Surf in Australia. Backpack in India. Get back to my roots in China (actually, I’ve been there but all I remember is yucky fish and icky toilets). But I doubt that would happen for me. *sigh*

     So I guess life is always going to dangle a bit of bait in front of you. Your dreams, your hopes. Just to keep you going for one more day. But it would be a bummer if you died before doing the things that keeps you going. And no, this is not some morale-boosting piece about how you should live each day like you were dying.

     I’m just saying. A lot of people die miserable because they always assumed there would be a tomorrow. If you’re not careful, it may be you. Lmao, I’m so morbid.